The look on my six-year-old’s face let me know that it wasn’t a good day.
Moms can tell.
Unfortunately, I also had an idea what might be wrong.
You see, I was recently gifted a brand new Jansport backpack. A lovely, bright purple backpack. It was part of a promotional package for the Netflix show The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, a technicolored “dark” comedy series about a 30-year-old woman who had been kidnapped and trapped for 15 years in an underground bunker, now trying to make her way in modern New York City.
Because no sane carless Canadian leaves home to go frolick in 4 degree celcius weather with hail and 30km/hr gusts, it was sitting in my hall closet, awaiting biking weather… until this day.
My son took a shine to the purple backpack.
He’s never been a fan of the traditional “boy” blue, or even green; in fact, the more brilliant a colour is, the better he likes it. According to him, the three nicest colours in the spectrum are red, orange, and yellow, and if he could put together an outfit with just those three colours, he’d wear it out in public. No shame.
This day he was shamed. All throughout this day, he was badgered by kids. On the bus. On the playground. In the hallway. Classmates. Friends. Boys.
My son had a “girly” backpack, and they made sure he knew it. These boys–who wear pink t-shirts to celebrate anti-bullying day–were clearly okay with bullying a boy who had a purple backpack.
I am no stranger to being bullied–not me. Like most of us, I spent a good portion of my school years feeling like an outsider who could never do things quite right. I wasn’t girly enough. I didn’t care about clothes, dolls, boys, and shoes. I had braces and glasses. And I’d like to say all of this changed when I became an adult. Except–it didn’t. Bullies don’t always grow up out of their ugly duckling phase like the rest of us.
But these are supposed to be the hard lessons for teens and young adults to learn. When they’re older. When they’re learning how to be independent. When they’re developing the inner strength to be on their own in the world.
It’s not fair.
He’s only six. My son is one of the gentlest, most loving people I’ve ever met. He’s a boy who sticks up for others when they’re bullied and helps kids on the opposing sports teams up when they get knocked down. It’s the 21st century. Kids this age are supposed to be colour blind. Politically correct. Socially evolved. They’re supposed to have happy childhoods–ones without worries about school shootings, gender issues, and social ramifications from the colour of their backpack.
Except they’re not.
And there are days when my son is far older than his years, and an old soul looks at me with his eyes. Usually I see this old man whenever we’re confronted with the reality of his food allergies. I see him when my six-year-old uses an uncanny patience and the stone-cold reserve of a child who has had to develop too much responsibility too early. I see him when he shows the hardened edges of a person who knows they’ve survived a brush with death.
This day, I saw the old soul when my six-year-old stifled his shame and sadness over being bullied because he knew if others could see it, it would only provoke them to be worse. I saw the old man when he told me that it “didn’t really bother him.” I saw him when I found out that he didn’t involve adults… because he has already learned that “telling” over little issues is likely to cause even more problems.
Though wounded in spirit, my son set his backbone and walked away from those kids. His friends, that he said in his little-boy voice, “maybe aren’t really my friends.” He walked away, and then continued on with his day. And he told me that he knew he could talk to me and feel better, which makes me feel like the most powerful person there is.
I am dying a little on the inside–knowing that beneath that, I feel mostly powerless.
I can’t always protect him. To some extent, he will have to endure this rite of passage on his own. And yet… maybe he’s already well on his way. He did the grown up thing, and walked away. And while hurt, while doubtful, he stood his ground.
He weathered the storm, a little battered, but unyielding.
I know adults who don’t handle being bullied with this much grace.
My friends on social media were quick to rally to his defense, including one owner of a purple backpack–my friend Matt–who took some photos for my son to see. Thank you. You made it easy for me to see how the kindness of virtual strangers can do so much for someone, and with so little effort.
Thanks, my friends, for being my village and helping me raise this child, for affirming that he did the right thing in walking away.
Thank you for letting him know that purple is just a color, and that boys can like purple too.
Thank you for bringing a smile back to his face this day with kindness and for helping fix the cracks these kids put in his self-esteem.
Thank you for helping to make him unbreakable.
Now we can’t let #KimmySchmidt have all the fun can we? #Streamteam fun @Netflix_CA A photo posted by Answer The Tullyphone (@answerthetullyphone) on
Why is that, that boys are called “girly” or “gay” when they have colours like pink or purple, but girls are found cute when they have a navy blue dress and a red ribbon in their hair?
We shouldn’t murmur against someone about colors! If they like it, it’s their right. And frankly colors are not genders, they don’t have to be connoted through this bias. I love to wear blue, am I “manly” for that?
I hope your son will wear as often as possible this backpack. It’s a cool one!
Thanks, Eolia! I hear you. It doesn’t really make sense to attach colour to gender–especially for my generation. I lived through the 80s, and I remember Don Johnson being a sex idol wearing pink t-shirts and white suits. And me? My favourite color is green. 🙂
My son is 2 1/2 and innocent to the “taught” gender identities in the world.. His favorite color is pink and he will choose it every time.. He loves to watch little charmers, Sophia and Dora as well as blaze and super wings having no idea that some are “boy” cartoons or “girl” cartoons.. Given a rack of shoes to choose he undoubtedly picks the pink sparkly sketchers and I feel guilty bc in a perfect world I should let him have them but I don’t ( and I’m gay and grew up choosing mostly “boy ” clothes) but I fear for the bullying that I endured my whole life.. He is the perfect example that kids are taught the choices to make. He doesn’t go to daycare so he has no clue about boy things and girl things just innocent eyes to choose what he likes I just hope one day our world becomes a place where you can be who you are without all the bullying.
I’m so sorry that you’ve got this social dilemma on your hands, Jenn. Heck, I know exactly how you feel, because I had that moral twinge myself when I let him walk out the door with the purple backpack. It hurt my soul to realize that I was thinking about reinforcing a stereotype about what’s acceptable for a boy to do just because I was worried that he might be bullied. Turned out my twinge was right. And being right sucks.
I totally agree. It’d be nice to have a world where people can just be themselves. I see you, my friend.
This is absolutely gorgeous! You’re doing an amazing job with that beautiful boy of yours. Sharing all over!!! ❤
Thank you, Rachael!
I can totally relate to this! My son, who will be 6 in the summer, is very much like your son. So sweet and smart and so funny! His favourite colour since he was old enough to say so and it’s only changed now to periwinkle!! He loves all things bright and flashy and in his words, “fancy”. Going school shopping with him was a lesson in heartbreak. All the shoes and backpacks for girls were exactly what he wanted! The more colour and bling the more he wanted them. The boys were all superheroes or cars 🙁 I was so torn between allowing him to be who he is and setting him up to be made fun of. He did find a lovely girls backpack that was mostly black but with white, pink and acqua and he was happy with that. He plays with Monster High Dolls because he loves their fashion and tells everyone when he grows up that he’s going to be a make-up artist! We have the talk a lot about bullies and kids being mean. My heart hurts for him and pray that we raise him to be strong and confident. My daughter on the other hand – refuses barrettes and pony-tails and refuses to wear dresses or leggings – the exact opposite of my son 🙂
Good on your son for knowing exactly what he wants. 🙂 And good on you for letting him express himself.
That is a strong little guy you have. I’m nervous about dealing with those types of issues when my kids are in school. I’m a firm believer in a color is just a color, so my kids will wear what they like. It’s sad, but even with all the “don’t bully” campaigns, it still happens. I just hope more kids will stand up for the kids being bullied.
It’s the great catch-22 Tarynn. I find myself in it a lot. Do I object and perpetuate the stereotypes and the worldview that he can’t use something cause it might be considered for girls, or might get him made fun of? No easy answers. Ugh.
Kids can be such little pricks. This made me cry, Anne. I love you AND your old-souled son. You tell him that Smash & Barb have his back ANY day. <3
My son’s was lavender.
I get it.
He used it for 2 years, then gave it to his little sister, and got a navy blue backpack.
He’s sixteen now and says things like, “I don’t understand why the kids at school insist on designer headphones. They all break anyway. Why would you spend that much money? Or Air Jordans. Really? Why do you need such expensive shoes?”
I asked, “You sure you’re not a tiny bit envious?
“NO. They’re stupid. They won’t have any money later on if they insist on buying stuff like that.”
So, there you go. The lessons do take.
Good luck!
You got more than two years out of a backpack?? I am impressed by that almost as much as I am your boy’s financial acumen. 🙂 Thanks for reading.
You’re lucky! My daughter has turned her son into a fashion slave! She wants him to have “all the things she never had.” Excuse me? I’d like to know why she feels deprived. Is it because she didn’t get new Air Jordan’s every 6 months?. She had Nike’s, designer clothes, and expensive team coats. She had the latest theme backpack and school supplies, yet she wants her son to have “ALL the things she never had!” Personally, I’d rather have a little money in the bank.
My son was different. He had all the things his sister had, but he was perfectly content with them. He is now a Sergeant First Class in the US Army, and yes, his favorite color is purple!
Your son is so incredible, he’s a world changer for sure. ROCK that purple backpack, it looks fantastic on you kid !:)
Thanks Tara!
Oh I am SO sorry that your son had to go through that. My son hasn’t seen the purple backpack yet, but I know he’ll be all over it too. My boy, who is 6 as well, loves Ever After High and Disney Princesses just as much as he loves superheros, and is constantly “teaching” kids in his class that there are no such things as “girls books” and “boys books”. Kids are nasty, and 6 is such a young age to learn that but your guy handled himself with a ton of grace. Be proud of that.
I wish that parents would stop with the colour biases too. I know tons of grown-up men who wear pink and purple dress shirts, ties, and accents in the professional world and most people don’t give a rip. Why do they care do much when it is a kid doing it?
I hope your son keeps rocking the backpack. It’s my favorite colour too, so I totally get the attraction. It looks great in him!
Thanks Brandee! Your little guy sounds pretty amazing too. Cheers to raising the next generation of REAL superheroes.
When my kids were young , there were times that I told them, some children are just plain mean, particularly when middle child was bullied on more than one occassion.. We would always discuss the various reasons as to why the children were bullies which did help. My kids are 20, 22, and 25 and because of our open conversations about everything, they turned out well.
That’s awesome. I’m glad you had that open line of communication!
My 5 1/2 year old son’s favorite color is purple!! I had to correct his older teen age brothers very early on when I noticed they were going to make fun of his love for purple.. when he won a blow up hammer at the fair when he was 3.5 and he chose the purple girly one over the spiderman. Now they stand up for him and tell him he’s the coolest kid they know if/when he gets stares for wearing sooo much purple!
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Good on him! Thanks for reading 🙂
I read this aloud temy 12 yr old son. He gets bullied often due to his weight. Hearing your sons story made him very sad. He said to me, ” mom, what’s wrong with a purple backpack? I wear a purple hoodie everyday and purple shirts.” I could only say that nothing is wrong with purple, and that weak people bully. Thank you for sharing your story.
Aww. Thank your son for being sensitive to my son’s plight.
i was gifted the same backpack. Today we went to the zoo and my husband walked around with it on all day (he also loves to wear pink and looks very good in it). I don’t have a pic but if your son would like one please email me and I will get my husband to model it and you can add it to your real guys don’t care about colours collection.
Thanks for offering. Just that you made the gesture made him happy. 🙂
Sending love to you and your son xxxx
I have a son who loves pink, but hasn’t chosen any pink clothes…maybe he is worried about being teased :-(. He also likes knitting and beading so we do those things together and he is so proud 🙂
We do our best, eh? Xxxx
Thanks Mary! Good on him for learning such a useful hobby too. I wish I could knit….
I feel for you and for your son. My 8 year old son has had his fair share of kids doing or saying mean things to him. It’s literally run the gamut from being physically hurt to being called names to being told by one girl that her parents hate him (I might add that we’ve never even met this girl’s parents and have no idea who they are). And it hurts so much worse because he internalizes things….I’ve seen him wait for weeks before telling me about something that happened to him at school and all this while it was eating away at him. And I was the *exact* same way as a child and a teenager….truthfully it really worries me because I struggled with a lot and I don’t want him to have to go through what I went through. But I also know I can’t just fix it for him. I really just don’t understand why kids have to be so mean. My Dad would literally have slapped me upside the head if they heard that I was treating other children like that.
My dad would have too. Keep trying to keep the line of communication open with your son!
I hope he keeps on rocking the purple backpack! My middle sons favorite color is purple and doesn’t care what anyone thinks…purple shorts, shirts, socks, etc. I know he would love a purple backpack! Sending positive friendly vibes his way!
Thank you!
I wish your little guy could see all of the purple backpacks at my school. I teach 8th grade at one of the largest middle schools in South Carolina. We live next to Clemson University where the school colors are purple/orange. Purple is a badge of pride and honor here. I have had friends from other parts of the country tell me that they never thought Purple and Orange went well together until they saw the flood of it at Clemson sporting event. I have a sweet and sensitive little guy myself and I know that the future is going to hold many battles for him, as a school teacher, I see them every day. Keep instilling and encouraging his self-confidence. The love of a strong momma can go far!
Thanks for reading, Tiffany!
I saw a copy of your blog post on the Today SHow’s website. You have a very strong little boy. Here’s something else you can tell your son about the color purple and why he should be proud to wear it. Back during the Middle Ages and Renaissance (think King Henry VIII & Queen Elizabeth I), the color purple was only worn by royalty and very rich nobility, because they were the only ones who had enough money to pay for the rare ingredients to make the dye.
You’re right. It’s a very cool historical tidbit… apparently the dye was extracted from crushing thousands of seashells! Thank you for reading!
I recently stressed out over whether or not to let my 2nd grader wear his beloved WonderWoman pajamas to school for pajama day. I asked him in advance what he would say or do if someone thought he should not wear them. His answers were awesome so I let him wear them and sent the teacher a “heads up” email. I asked her to let me know how it goes so I could support him at home if needed.
She let me know he had a few chuckles but she thought he handled it wonderfully and she was proud of him.
I am waiting for the next pajama day to see what he wants to do. I confess, I may be slightly relieved if he chooses his iron man pjs and, even though it would be easier, I hope he always chooses what makes him happy.
That is awesome. 🙂 I’m glad your teacher had his back!
I’m so sorry your son had this experience. He seems like a sweet kid with a beautiful soul. Such wisdom at such a young age. It speaks to how you’re raising him, and who he is inherently.
Also, my husband snowboards, and one of his snowboards is purple. He loves it. 🙂
Thank you, Suheiry!
My son has experienced some of the same. When he was 3 and 4 his favorite color was pink. He wasn’t into dolls and ponies as such, but he liked to wear his pink polo shirt at church (and he was adorable in pink shirts) and when given the choice of a blue or pink cup, he chose pink. That was until the girls in his daycare told him that pink was a “girls” color. I tried to explain that my favorite color was blue even though I’m a girl. That there is no girl or boy colors, just colors. It didn’t work, he picked a new favorite color 🙁 I didn’t expect him to like pink for ever, but I am disappointed that at 4 years old, he was told he couldn’t like something. Hopefully your son will stay strong and like what he likes!
Aw. 🙁 I hope your son rediscovers his love of pink someday!
Hi, i just read your article and was furious for your little one. My 16 year old and 9 year old agreed. They say to tell your son he is wise beyond his years to have walked away and to have realized so early on in life that real friends don’t do that. My kids were bullied because they are “different” and know how horrible it can all be. My 16 year old has been spit on, hit and insulted because he was 12 when he entered high school in a new country, and was therefore the stunted one, the foreign invader, the one who earned his spot because either his mom or he himself were &$”…..he was also called a faggot for wearing light moss green shorts one day. That day, when he replied that at least he showed some personality instead of being buried in the masses, rather than just taking it all, was the day I knew he would be all right as an adult. My 9 year old has learnt so much from her brother’s experiences. As will your son from his purple backpack incident. Bravo to him, and bravo to you :-))
Good gosh. I’m so sorry your 12 year old had to deal with that. I’m also an immigrant to another country, and I’ve taken my fair share of jibes (I’m an American and I emigrated to Canada), but I’ve never had to deal with ANYTHING like that. Kudos to your kids for turning the other cheek! I’m not sure I would have been as kind to people saying things like that to me.
My son also L-O-V-E LOVES purple. “It’s the color of royalty” he tells me, and anyone else who would dare to question or raise an eyebrow at his purple shirt or shoes, shoe strings, etc. He doesn’t rock a purple backpack, only because the black one with monster faces looked cooler on school shopping day. My husband and I try to let him make his own choices, sometimes advising him if we think there may be push-back among his peers. Isn’t that what parents do, though; give the wisdom of our years? We never tell him that something he likes is a “girl” thing, a “baby” thing or “too big/old/mature”. If he likes it, he likes it. If he has negative reactions, we talk and learn from them and refer back to them if he says something mean or judgmental to or about anyone else – mostly his little brother. A brother who is also a fan of purple, and is also growing up a strong person making his own decisions.
My big guy is almost 8, the little guy just turned 4, and I will hate the day that they decide what their peers think is more important than what they think.
Stay strong, the both of you. And wear your purple backpack without a second thought; you’re just giving everyone a hint of your true noble character.
Full disclosure: I DID stop my son from wearing red sweat pants with a brown t-shirt printed with an aqua jet plane as an ensemble in public. It just hurt my eyes to look at it. 🙂
Bahaha. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has to intercede in true fashion crimes. 🙂 Thanks for reading.
My 9 year old football loving son loves purple. The reason why I said football loving is because he wears glasses and we had to get him a strap to keep them on his head (flag football). He chose the color purple. He said it was one of his favorite colors and wanted it for his glasses. He now wears these everyday.
I was very worried when he had to get glasses for the first time this year but he has taken the whole process in stride.
Tell your son to keep your head up. There are a lot of other boys who love purple.
There sure are! Thanks for your support.
I have always considered purple to be a gendered neutral color. There was a period in my early years I like the Minnesota Vikings football team and their primary color….purple. I grew up in the South and on SEC sports and one SEC team is Louisiana State University, their primary color….purple. I could go on but my point is your son is awesome for sticking with his color choice and I applaud you for supporting him.
Thanks Andy! I give him lots of support, but you know, I’m a girl and his mom to boot. Hearing from other GUYS that purple is an excellent color is exactly what he needed to hear in this scenario. And I’m so happy that a bunch of guys have come forward to support him!
Superman uses a purple toothbrush. I will never be able to use a purple toothbrush because my husband always has to have a purple toothbrush. His favorite colors are red,blue,yellow and purple. . Your kid is amazing you are doing a great job of raising him. Sending many blessings. (I am not married to Superman but my husband is a superhero geek I think he convinced himself Superman uses a purple toothbrush.)
I wouldn’t be at all surprised. Thanks for reading, Katie 🙂
This is heartbreaking. Your son did a great job by walking away. My son is a lot like yours when it comes to favorite colors, he loves the bright stuff with red being number 1!
I personally don’t think that there’s nothing wrong with pink, purple, mauve or any other colors for that matter. What makes these kids think that they’re favorite colors are any better? Bullying is something that is learned and it’s up to us as parents to instill the proper values in our kids.
I hope things get better for your son. He has many supporters behind him.
My son adores pastels, sparkles and cute things. He has an enormous plush toy collection (most of them big eyed TY animals. He also likes to bring one to school with him every day. It’s a “lucky item” of sorts. His friends at school are familiar with it, and after six years of this, they are immune to it. However, during summer camp last year he was harshly ribbaled by another child over his rainbow polka dot octopus. I still love how how my son handed it:
After a stream of laughter and scorn, he calmly looked at his aggressor and said, “You seem really angry. I think you need a plushie.”
The next day he brought a larger plush toy (a hot pink elephant) and a smaller plushie that he gave to the child that had teasing him. “Here”, he said. “Every day is a better day with a plushie. I brought you one. You can keep it”.
For the rest of camp they were inseparable.
In the case with your son the reasons the kids made fun are probably different. However kids learn early that nitpicking at others has the added benefit of raising their social capital. Obtaining approval of your peers is always a good feeling. It heightens self esteem and staves off social insecurity. It’s the “reward” the bully receives. So, if there is a way to deny that reward they receive from their behaviour it tends to shake the wind out of their sails.
There is a book by Scott Cooper called: “Sticks and Stones: 7 Ways Your Child Can Deal with Teasing, Conflict, and Other Hard Times”
The technique he calls it is “verbal judo” which coincidently his youngest child accidentally called it “purple judo”. There’s a certain kismet I think, for you in it. 🙂
http://www.amazon.com/Sticks-Stones-Child-Teasing-Conflict/dp/0812932404
I have taught preK and Kindergarten for 14 years and something I always discuss with my 3-6 year olds is favorite colors. I love having this conversation with them because many boys will say their favorite colors are pink, purple, yellow etc. IF a child states, “those are girl colors” I simply state that my favorite color is blue or black and that my 21 year old nephew and my 14 year old son’s favorite color is purple! Society has placed genders to color and please let your wonderful boy know that he has courage to prove that colors should not be gendered girly or boyish. My 11 year old daughter loves to wear camouflage pants for that matter. When parents and society place genders with color, that is when children learn such things.