Dear Halloween, I Quit.

Things haven’t been going well for three years now, and I’m over you. 

It’s not me, it’s you.

I tried. I really did. I wanted to have a good relationship for the children. But you’re not meeting me halfway, and I find that I’m the one putting 99% of the effort into making this thing work between us.

Every year you swear it will be different. You keep promising me a good time. You say you’ll be friendlier towards my kid. You tempt me with baubles and delicious foods, and just when I begin to forgive you, you show me the cold (and wet) shoulder and we find ourselves back where we started.

You’re so self-centered. Look at me, pay attention to me, it’s all about me, me, me, you say. You try to shove your way into our lives the moment school starts. You elbow legitimate goods off of shelves to make room for your sugary mini treats and plastic skeletons with nary a care for cavities and the nightmares of young shoppers.

You don’t play well with others. You’re abusive. You like to terrorize and cause us misery. You’re also a deadbeat. You extort us for the costumes that are barely fit to wear in the warm months of summertime, and then you mock us with an unseasonable bluster of icy, misty rain even though the rest of the week was comfortably cool and dry. T-shirt weather on Tuesday, even! 

Well, I’ve had my fill of trudging up and down the streets in the cold, wind, rain, and dark just trying to have a good time while you’re sulking. Even my kid thinks you’re a big meanie head now.

And while we’re at it, let’s talk about your pumpkin shenanigans. It’s not all about pumpkin, okay?? Sometimes it’s about other awesome things that fall can bring, like chai tea and apple butter. It’s about trips to the farm, and harvest festivals, and jumping in piles of leaves.

Well, my patience has just run out.

Screw you, Halloween. I’m going home. And from now on I’m going to play indoors while you keep jerking other young kids and their parents around. They don’t know you like I do, but they’ll figure it out soon enough.

Don’t call me. You’ll find your stuff out in the trash.